Welcome to come home to peace with Diane Passey, the show where we talk about how to become more emotionally intelligent and as a result increase our emotional resilience. Diane will be your guide as you work towards your goal to help your children and teens become healthy adults. Parenting is one of the hardest jobs we'll ever have. And one in which you get no formal training. Our young innocent children become adolescents who face challenges over which we have no control. We can't say them from fear, disappointment, anxiety and pain that life hands us, but we can equip them with the tools, skills and knowledge to enable them to get through it. Join us to hear insights, strategies, and relevant tips to help you come home to peace.
Welcome to come home to peace, the podcast where I guide you along the path to create more peace in yourself and in your home starting from the inside out. This is your host Diane Passey, and I'm excited to be with you here today. This is going to be a great discussion as we talk about the five love languages. Now just a little bit of background information. The Five Love Love Languages is available in audiobook and in a physic physical book, they have a version for couples, they have a version for teens and version for kids. It was originally published as just The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, who has been a therapist for a really long time. And his focus is working on on couples and on family. So he has a lot of experience. And you'll see him pull in all of this experience as he, as he writes these books, and you listen to his ideas. It was first published, like I said in 1973. And so a lot of people are pretty familiar with it. And taking the love languages test. I kind of think my love language has changed in the past 10 years, 20 years. And I know it's changed from when I was a teenager. So it's kind of fun to take the test every once in a while and kind of see where you are. Now these tests are available online, you can take an online version where you can go and find your love language. And they'll email it to you with all the things about your love language and how you can use this information. Or you can download like a paper version to take and tally up the answers yourself. But either way, I think that this will help you know how to connect better with your kids and your teenagers. And this podcast episode is going to give you a bunch of great ideas of things that you can do to help them to feel love. And because oftentimes we think we're showing our teenagers love, we think that that we are showing them that acceptance and connection. But really, it's not the way that they need to be loved. One of the fascinating things that I have found about the five love languages, when it comes to teenagers is that teenagers need to feel all five love languages, so you need to express all five to them. Now they're going to have a main one, or a top two or something that that that kind of are above everything else that are a little bit stronger. But it is really important for teenagers to have for you to manifest your teach teenagers love in all of the languages because they need to know what that feels like. And they need to be able to experience in a way that they will be able to show other people how you know that love in their love language and be able to understand why it is that sometimes giving a gift doesn't go over the way you thought it was going to or maybe, you know, saying that nice thing didn't have the effect that you were hoping it was going to so Alright, so let's talk about these five languages. The first one we're going to talk about is acts of service. Now this is one of my top love languages, one of my top two. So this is one that really resonates with me. And I found it was interesting as I had some a couple of my teenagers take the light love language tests. This was a top two for my two teenagers that that took it so. So obviously this is something a way that in our house that we express a lot of love to each other. So here are some ideas of ways that you can show love through acts of services acts of service. You can shop together for decorations for your teens room, help them put up the decorations layout the new bedding, and spending time together, helping them prepare for an important event, or practice a sport or study for a test anything like that. That's service oriented for them. You can help them through some tough homework. And I know like homework was really different now like the math is different now than it was 2530 years. to go, but I've really found that even if I sit next to one of my kids while they're doing their assignment that seems to help them just have some support, they're not by themselves at the kitchen table anymore, it becomes something that they can bounce ideas off. Or they can just, they just fill that support by me, by me being there, making a favorite snack or treat for them when they're having a tough day. You can do a chore that is usually your team's responsibility if they have a lot going on with their school or homework. And I want to tell you a story about how this what what this did for me when I did this. Now during this time, I had one of my daughters was very prickly, and I was not her favorite person or even her second favorite person. And so we had kind of a rocky relationship. She was in high school and she lived in her bedroom was in the basement of our house. And one particular day I was downstairs and I was vacuuming the family room that was right outside of her her basement and kind of cleaning up this area dusting, you know, just doing some chores. And I had this little prompting this little voice say, Diane, go vacuum your daughter's room. And I thought, wait a minute, you got to be kidding. Like we had not had a great morning. We were not getting along. I had been really hurt by some of the things that she had said. And vacuuming your room was not something that I wanted to do. So I was like, yeah, no. And so I you know kept going I'm started cleaning up, you know, other things cleaning the bathroom is prompting comes back, Diane, go vacuum your daughter's room. And again, I was like, you know, like, She doesn't deserve to have me vacuum her room. That is not something that that she has, like earn. I'm I don't feel like doing that for her. She can vacuum her own stinking room, you know, and so I kind of pushing against it. As I finished cleaning everything up and was ready to go back upstairs. That prompting came a third time, Diane, go vacuum your daughter's room. And I thought, Okay, fine. Fine, I'm gonna do it, you know, and I went and I took the vacuum over to her room and rooms really small. And so it didn't take long for me to get it plugged in and start vacuuming. And something changed within my heart. It was like this incredible moment that I could have never expected to have happened. I was vacuuming her room. And I suddenly just felt so much love for her. I just felt such a closeness to God. And I could feel the love that God had for her. And it softened my heart, heart, my heart, my heart was absolutely hard at the time, because it was hurt. And I was frustrated. And I didn't feel appreciated. And so I felt like I deserved I deserved to be kind of snippy. And as I was doing this service for her, that totally changed. And the thought came back into my head that said, Diane, the reason you need to vacuum Her room is not for your daughter. It's not for not for her, this is for you. This is so that your heart can change. And she may not even notice she may not have any idea that you were even down there. But you're going to be a change person because of that. And I was so grateful that I listened. I was so grateful that I paid attention to that prompting even though it came I waited till the third time, but I still listen. And I went and took care of this because it changed everything for me. And helped me see things in a new light helped me see things in a way that God sees things, which is how we want a parent, we want a parent from a place of love and kindness and help our teenagers feel what God has the love that God has for them.
All right, so we can wake up a half hour early, maybe make them a breakfast that they normally have or get out the breakfast for them just make life a little easier. Now when I do meals for other people, or if I bake some cookies or something and we want to deliver them to neighbors, I intentionally either bring kids with me and or I have my kids go and drop it off because I want them to experience the acts of service I want them to experience what it feels like to come with me and to drop a meal off for a family that's a need or to take cookies over and see the the people's face you know when you deliver cookies and to feel, feel that sense of of love that God can can share with you for the people that you're around. So, so involve your kids I know it's kind of it's kind of can be hard or a little bit frustrating because it's much easier to do things on your own But, but you'll be grateful that you did that. If your teen is ever running late somewhere, help them finish what needs to be done so they can get out of the house quicker and arrive on time. This is going to be I'm going to share an experience that that I wasn't I'm not proud of. I took a love and logic class, when my oldest son was just he was like, preschool, preschool, just barely getting into kindergarten. And I was like, Yeah, I'm gonna teach my kids with this love and logic. And you know, this, this makes sense. Like this is this is the way I want to parent my kids. So part of that is, is letting your kids have the consequences of their choices. And one of the things that I would get frustrated about was my kids not putting their shoes away. And I'm gonna tell you after parenting for 26 years, we still are always looking for shoes. So so I don't know, I there's probably ways to fix this, but I just have come to accept that this is going to be part of my parenting journey is always looking for the stinking shoes. So this particular day, one of the shoes was over by the door and one of the shoes was on the couch and my my kindergartner started looking for his shoes, he needed to go catch the bus and he was in a hurry. And he had his backpack on he had his coat on, I could still picture what he what he looked like with his little red coat just ready. And the panic that was in his eyes, as he saw the one shoe that was by the door and didn't see the other shoe right there. And what was he going to do? And he ran around our little apartment looking for his shoe. And I kept saying, Yeah, man, that's too bad. You can't find it. And all the things love and logic he told me to say which isn't necessarily my best parenting style. That doesn't resonate with me super well. There are other parenting styles. And you'll see why because I was like I said, she was sitting by me on the couch. And he was so panicked and anxious and nervous about leaving. And I was so intent on teaching him the lesson that he needed to put his shoes away in the right place. I didn't say anything to him. And when he finally got out the door, when he finally decided, well, he's gonna wear Sunday shoes to school, and he was late. And he was crying. And he went to school, and I sat there with that shoe next to me, and I hadn't helped him. And all I would have had to have done is say, oh, Brandon, look, your shoes right here. Let me help you put it on real quick. Let's grab it. And you know, when you get home today, we're gonna just, you know, I'm gonna remind you just put just put it here so we can find him again tomorrow. Oh, my goodness, I could have handled that in such a better way. And I still feel I still look back at that and feel bad that I sat there on the couch for five minutes and let him panic and stress, because his shoe was next to me. And I thought it should be by the front door. Like that, to me is not serving your kid. And it's not teaching your kid how to serve and to love others. So that's one of my less bus, great parenting moments. So now, if I have a kid who's late getting out the door, it could be that he woke up late. It could be that he took too long at breakfast, it could be that he got distracted on his phone. He didn't do his homework, like, I don't care what the reason is, I'm going to help them get out the door, I'm going to grab their jacket for them, I'm going to ask them, you know, can I go get the car started, can I put anything in the car for you let me open the door for you. I love you, you know, go. Because as an adult, I have times that I'm late that I don't make it to out the door the time that I want to be able to leave. And I love it when people serve me. I love it when they're like Mom, here's here's your purse, you need some keys, quick, great, I'll throw these keys to you. Like let's just help and serve each other. Let's let's just show love to each other by doing whatever we can to help the person who was trying to leave and a little bit late. I just think that that is like the most loving thing to do. And I'm always about what is the most loving thing to do. Alright, so that's a, you know, another way half your teens running late, help them, help them get out the door. When you have a stick teen, you know, get their favorite movie set up, get their blanket and pillow out. Make sure that they're all tucked up and watching the movie. Do they need any snacks? Can you refill their water bottle, give them some medicine, you know, take care of them a little bit. Now, if your team calls you with a crisis, even when you're working, sacrifice a little bit more time than usual to listen to their situation and offer encouragement and support. So that means even if you feel like you're under pressure to meet a certain deadline, and I know what I know how that's like with my office being here in my home, my kids will come home from school and I'll be trying to finish things so that I can go make dinner and and be ready for whatever's going on that evening. And so sometimes I feel that tension as soon as they come in my office, because I think, Oh, they're gonna want to talk, oh, they're going to have a problem or something. But I have really worked hard on taking a deep breath, turning around, or sitting next on the on the couch next to them, just listening to them for a few minutes and, and just paying attention to them, giving them that time to unwind, because they still want to talk to me, like, how cool is that? Why would I ever put work before my kids wanting to communicate something to me about their day. All right, we're going to talk about the love language of gifts. Now, here's some guidelines for giving your kids gifts as a love language, okay, you can give your kids gifts and in other ways, but as a love language, you're not giving your kids gifts, because they deserve it, you're not giving it to them, because they clean their room or because they got good grades, or, because of anything like that, if your gift starts with i, if you do this, then I will give you this, then that doesn't count as that giving a gift for loved language. Okay? Like I said, you can give them gifts like that if you want. But what parents are really doing when we give our kids gifts under the under that cert, you know that, that belief that I'm giving you this because of this, then you're giving them payment for work, you're bartering with them, or you're manipulating them. And so parents will do that a lot be like, Oh, well, if you do this, then I'm going to do this, that's okay. If you want to pay them for work, if you want to, you know barter to get something done. And you can, you know, that works great. But just realize that, that when we want to show our kids love, we give them gifts, whether or not they deserve it, we give it for to them, maybe even when they don't deserve it. And that's and that's how we, we use gifts as a love language. So select gifts that fit the interests of your teens. And not just you, this is something that I can I struggle with a little bit because I see something super cool. And I want one of my kids to want that so that I can experience the coolness of whatever it is a little Lego set or, or I don't know, some kind of a cool technology thing. So I'm like, Oh, I'll give it to so and so for Christmas, or I'm going to give it to so and so as you know, as a President hoping that they love it as much as I as I would love it. So I have to put my head, my head where my teenager's heads are, and think of them when I when I buy them a gift. So, um, and so sometimes I have them helped me pick out a special gift for them. You know, now that might look like, Hey, we're at the grocery store. You know what, if you want to go pick out something for a couple bucks, I'll pay that, you know, I'll buy you something for $1 Or I'll buy you something for two bucks or, or whatever and let them go pick it out. Or it could be you know, I want to buy you this gift. I want to buy you this thing we want to come and help me pick it out, I want to make sure I get just the right thing for you. Like that's okay, that's fine to do to give them a gift with their help. Alright, so another way to give gifts to your to your teens, you can make a special meal for them, you can take them to a special restaurant, you can make them a favorite dessert, maybe even like weekly make them their favorite dessert. And that can be a way of giving them gifts. When you're away from home, mail a small package to them with their name on it and large letters. If you're going to be away for a while, you can also you know have like little gifts that they can get every day or a little note that they can they can open up every day. Now when you think of gifts for your kids, they don't always have to be physical gifts that you bought at the store. Some gifts can be like coupons for privileges extra time up late at night. They can have friends over later than normal have a late night or something they get extra media privilege. They get to go and get an ice cream cone with you. Like there's some coupons that you can give that will help be that sometimes are a little more special than just saying oh yeah, here's another you know one of these things there's another candy bar that I have which you know candy bars aren't bad. It's just that you know think outside of the box to have other things gift of your time gift of of friends gift of you know, things like that that maybe you normally wouldn't think of giving a gift also can be hiding a small note in your teens coat or backpack with just some you know nice words attached. Instead of spending money on like a large gift for their birthday. You can hope to a big party, for their, for as many friends as they want to invite and make it really special. You can consider gifts that lasts a long time, like say, hey, you know what, let's go pick out a tree or a bush that you really like, we're gonna plant it in our garden. And every time I see that I'm gonna think of you. And you know, cuz I just love you, I love that there's a piece of piece of you here that that reminds me of you in this garden, you can buy a ring or a necklace for your team to where you can purchase something for somebody else in need. So if their love languages, gifts, and you want to purchase something for somebody else, like letting them be part of that, and expressing their love language for somebody else is, is cool. It's like that acts of service, one where you go and you give a meal to somebody else, it's the same thing, allowing them to be part be part of that. And part of that giving gifts to other people. Now, a counterfeit gift is something that you're giving them in exchange for you being around. So we're we want to make sure that when we give them a gift, that we're not giving it to them to keep them occupied to take, because we're not around where you know, it's not there to take our place. That's, that's not going to be a real true gift of love. And some gifts need to be given in private, some gifts you can give with other people around, and it's and it's fine. But some kids might feel really uncomfortable with that. And, and might appreciate if you just give it to them and private. Another way that you can make a gift pretty special is if you wrap it up, or put it in a little bag, you can collect the gift boxes that that you get every once in a while that you know that has a nice lid on it, you can collect that and give those to them. And but the gifts inside that to give to them just to make it a little more special, and kind of make it a little bit bigger deal. Okay, we're gonna go to physical touch Next. Now, when our teenagers are little babies, that physical touch thing is really, like it's just happens, right? We just got this little baby, I mean, I've got my little grandson and, and he lets me cuddle with him. And I just can just snuggle him and just look at his cute cheeks and change his diaper. And like that touch is not a hard thing to do when our kids are young. However, when they get to be teenagers, it can feel kind of awkward. And you're like, Okay, I don't know what's appropriate anymore. You know, I don't think I can go up and squish my teenagers cheeks and kiss them and tell them, you know, they're so cute. And I'm not going to get them dressed in the morning. So how do I get this physical touch in, if they really need that, if that is a love language for them. So here are some guidelines to help you with this. You want to be make sure that you have the right time, the right place, and the right manner that your team will accept the physical touch. So I've learned from experience, don't try to offer physical touch when they are angry, angry teenagers need space, they don't need you to go and hug them. And I have made the mistake many times where I have a teenager who's angry at me angry at life angry at their performance angry at their best friend, whatever. And I'm thinking oh, I you know, I want to melt away their anger with my embrace. You know, I want to help them this way. And so, so I want to go and give them a big hug. And yeah, I get shut down. And then I'm like, man, they don't love me. And you know, and I get into this big shame story myself. So that's just a general rule for teens angry, they need space, wait until they've, they've kind of calmed down until they softened up. And then you can you can possibly give them a hug if it's right for them. And sometimes you have to just ask them, ask them, you know, can I give you a hug? Would you like a hug? I get said, you know, they'll tell me no, about half the time. That's been my experience. Well, half the time I would I would hug them and they are like, um, No, I'm okay, thanks. So maybe next time, so you can watch their body language. And really, teenagers really speak nice and loud and clear with their body language. So if you kind of become a body language scientist and and you watch them, they're going to show you pretty good, what they're feeling like, if you have a teen who's telling you something and standing right next to you in close proximity, and they have an open body language, then they're probably going to be just fine with an encouraging physical touch. So that might be a touch on the arm or the shoulder or, you know, just an encouraging arm around them a pat on the back. There's a lot of ways to offer physical touch that don't include hugging. So they might be open to something like that. If they're across the other side of the room and their arms are folded and they are telling you stuff, not the time to go over and try and offer physical touch. They're giving you they're telling you they're giving you hints through their body language, they're telling you that this is not what they want. This is not the this is not the right time. All right, giving your hug your teenager a hug after a big accomplishment, great, maybe not in front of their friends. But that's a great time to be able to express express a little bit of physical touch for them, maybe you could put your arm around them, or high five them or something. And that that might be acceptable. Depending on who your kid is. Another rule of thumb, don't touch a teenager in the presence of his or her friend, unless they initiate it first, some teenagers are going to be fine with you giving them a hug in public, or with their friends. Others are not. And so usually you kind of want to wait for the team to kind of step comes down next to you or to want to give you a hug before offering before offering that hug. So here are some other ways to think of physical touch outside of hugs and kisses. So we can do back rubs, we can pat them on the back, pat them on the shoulder, stroke their head or like play with their hair, some of my kids have like that more than others, you can tenderly touch them on their arm or shoulder offer a high five, kind of elbow them in a joking way. And for father and son relationships, wrestling ends up being a really bonding thing, a lot of boys remember wrestling with their dad as like a really positive and happy and fun activity that they did. So wrestling is apps as absolutely appropriate, if that's something that you guys like doing. Another idea that I thought was super clever was to give a sensory type gift to your teenager. So that could be like a soft blanket or a cuddly pillow pillow. That's that counts as as that,
you know, is that physical touch. And then one of the things that I like to do, if I happen to go into my boys rooms, as they're, you know, going to bed is if they're laying in their bed, I kind of like making sure that they've got a blanket, you know, fluffed up on them. And that's kind of tucked up around their chin and kind of, you know, give them a like a little good night pad or if they're up for a hug, give them a hug, like kind of like that tucking in at night. That's another way that you can offer that physical touch. Now some teens again, this is going to be their love language, language, other teens, it's not, I was talking to my daughter, one of my married daughters about this. And she said that right now physical touch is not her thing, because her kids touch her all the time. And she just doesn't want touch. Like she just wants time without being touched. But she's nursing a baby, she's got this little cute little two year old that loves touching and being up next to her. She's got her other son that wants to come up and be up next year. And sometimes she's like, Oh, this is the last thing I want to do. So she happened to me my daughter though, that when she was younger, she loved physical touch. So we would go to these maturation programs. And I usually tried to go with my kids and like fifth and sixth grade. So she would be the one that would save a spot for me next to her and the maturation program. So you should be so excited for me to come and be like, Yeah, I'm on today's maturation day and be like, Yeah, and so we would go in and sit down and she would like lean up next to me or, or put her arm up through mine. And it would be this like little bonding thing is we're learning about puberty and, and some of the some of the fun things that happened at those maturation programs. My other daughter, however, was not a physical touch person. And so she did not save me a seat at maturation. In fact, she was like, Mom, I'm gonna be good, you don't have to come, you already know what they're gonna say. And help me really kind of embarrassing. So I usually sat in the back with other moms who also are sitting in the back whose daughters didn't necessarily want them to come and sit next to them. Neither the ways are right or wrong. It's just how your child receives love. Okay, quality time can be one of the hardest things, I think for ways for us to show our kids love. Because it takes time and time is at a premium a lot of the time, we schedule so much into our days that it's hard for us to take that quality time. So when we give our teen quality time, we want to do that by giving them focus and undivided attention. If you're watching a game movie show with your team, just take a few minutes here and there to talk to them. You can like you know, again, elbow them, put your arm around them. But make sure that they know that they are more important than whatever it is that you're watching or participating in. You want to walk away from watching a movie or a sports event with your kid with your kid not feeling lonely and disconnected. You want them to feel closer to you because you've experienced this thing together. When you speak to your team, you're going to want to speak to your team and not at your team and that means you're going to use your best communication skills that we've been talking about for the last few podcasts. You're going to look them in the eye, you're going to make listening noises, you're going to, you know, ask them lots of questions come from a real place of curiosity. And a couple weeks ago, I had a guide, a communication guide, that I'll have up in the show notes if you want to grab that, but how to actively listen, so that you can give your time to your teenager, and it will count as you giving that quality of quality time, you're not gonna want to badger them, you really want to listen sympathetically to their problems and not fix them. If you listen to my podcast. Last week, we talked about not fixing our kids problems, and I'm telling you right now, your kids don't want you to fix their problems. They just want you to listen to them. And they just want to know that they're okay. So don't tell them what you think the right and wrong is. Don't tell them what the moral choice would be anything like that. You just listen. Just just be that listening ear for them. And that's another great way to spend quality time. Next, we have observing body language. So don't, don't interrupt them, like watch them. After reflective question, ask reflective questions, and take as much time as needed for them to tell you everything that they want to tell you. You know, you can ask them what else? What else? Do you want to tell me about this? Can you tell me more? Can you answer some questions about the situation like really get like a whole full picture, picture of what it is that they want to talk to about Teach instead of preach. So a preacher is very animated speaks loud a time softly at times crying at times, laughing at times, but up and down and up and down, where a teacher uses more conventional tone kind of even keel not overly passionate and that they teach them content instead. And that's a better model to be to follow when it comes to
quality, quality time with your teen is to allow them the space to express how they feel. So you don't want to take over that space with your ups and downs and your your emotions, that one of the things to recognize about the teenagers in this day and age is that they don't just do things because you say so they want to know why they want to know the reasons why you are making certain roles or certain decisions. So spend that quality time to talk to them about why don't just say because I said so that just doesn't that just doesn't work anymore. Now I have to make sure I create the right environment for me to have communication time with them. And for me to have that quality time I have to create that quality time that time is not going to happen on its own. My husband works he has an as a part time job, I work this and I it's odd hours as a podcaster coach, motivational speaker and teacher. You know, my hours are kind of all over the place too. So if I want to spend some quality time with my kids, I have to create it. That could look like camping, hiking, rafting, fishing, attending sports or musical events. Shopping with them. I always like to take one kid with me when when to whatever errand it is that I'm doing. It can also be going on a walk with them or going on a bike ride with them doing something active outside, other quality activities that you can do that will help create that quality time. I talked in the last podcast a lot about driving and how much I love driving that time is quality time. If you want to give your kids some quality time, turn off the radio and just talk just listen to them. Other things that are good ways to spend quality time is is helping them with homework, attending their activities, driving your teens places and just anything that they that they need or that you know that they want you to do really consider it really consider is this going to be a way I can spend quality time with my teenager. Now I have this client who told me that his parents didn't listen to him. He said they were really intrusive in his life. He felt like they were always checking up with him. They didn't trust him. And when I talked to his mom, she was actually really surprised that he felt like this. She's well I feel like he's, I mean, he's a pretty good kid. He just does everything I say he'll come and ask me things. But, um, you know, it doesn't seem like he's feeling really bad about this. Well, the more I talked to the parent, and tried to unpack a little bit why her son would feel a certain way, but she wasn't catching on to that. I soon found that the parent was mind works very fast. inefficiently that she is able to figure out answers really quickly that she's busy and she has a lot going on in her mind. So when her teen would come and talk to her, she was quick to get on it, get the steps taken care of and get it fixed really quick. And he would did not feel like he could connect with her. He couldn't tell her anything, you couldn't tell her the hard stuff and the emotional stuff, because if he did, she was just like, you know, fixing it just right on that fast and efficient and logical and just get it through. And that's not what he needed. So we actually just cried during our session, it just said, I just want to be able to talk to my mom, and have her listen to me without telling me that I'm wrong. And without fixing it. And that was so powerful to me. So as I worked with the parent, we really started creating, how does this look like? How do we create a conversation with your child in a way that that time that you spend with them, you're going to be able to gather as much information, look at it in a non judgmental way, and be able to understand them better and where they're coming for better, and helpless, powerful, it works so well. And before I knew it, this parent and this teen, were starting to communicate and talk to each other and that relationship was starting to form. Alright, the next love language we're going to address is words of affirmation. This is a top one for a couple of my teens again, that they love those positive words. So recognizing your teacher, your teenagers accomplishments and commending them, is how we express words of affirmation. All teenagers do least something right. So look for whatever it is they do, right and reward them with verbal praise, be sincere and be specific. Here are some ways and phrases you can say I adore you. I feel proud when I think of you, You are my sunshine. I love watching you fill in the blank. If I could choose any teenager in the world, in the world, I would choose you I am so grateful that God gave me to gave you to me as part of my family like I am so blessed God must have really loved me, you are so wonderful. I love having you around. You just shine from the inside, you are so strong. So there's some examples of things that you can tell your team, you want to be able to express love often and sincerely. Some other out of the box ways to express that love is you can write on their bathroom mirror with dry erase markers and it comes off great. Leave them a little note or write a little heart or just say Have a good day, something like that. And a note and encouraging note use slide under their pillow or in their pocket or something that they can find later. And I'm big on sticky notes. I love sticky notes. For this reason, jot down a little note of encouragement and just go stick it to a door to a wall to a bed. Whatever it is sticky notes work great for me. I want you to really assume the best of your team that they are trying and try really hard to lower that expectation of perfection for them. Allow them to know that you love them for who they are now that they don't have to be better to earn or deserve your love. They need to hear that a lot. Because that's not what the world tells them. The world tells them that they're not worthy of love until they hit a certain point, or accomplish so many things or get all the A's then they're worthy of love. And you want to express love to them all the time, so that they know that no matter what you love them.
All right, let them know through your words and actions. You don't expect perfectionism from them. Assume the best and that they are trying and they want to be good. And they're figuring things out just right. And make sure you compliment your teens when they're in front of other adults or important figures in their life. Just be like yeah, oh, you know what Matthew was so awesome this last week. Like he really worked hard on this assignment, or he ran extra this week. I'm so proud of him, like, look how lucky I am. To have him. When I offer words of affirmation. And I tell another adult about it while my child is there. Like that's the coolest feeling. Just watch them just glow from the inside. So this like those words of affirmation, really powerful way that you can reconnect with your teens. Now some parents kind of get into a rut, complimenting their teens on the same things, and only when they make big accomplishments, and that's really hurtful for teens. I've had some teens come and tell me I don't want to do this sport anymore. But I have to because if I don't my parents won't love me. I don't want to participate in this school program anymore. But I have to because if I don't, my parents won't love me. And really that's not true. Our kids are born so amazing that we love them from the moment that we meet them. So just remember that kids are feeling already. Like they're not good enough. Like they can't measure up. And we don't want them to feel that in front of us. All right, other podcasts episodes that will help you the five words your kids need to hear powerful, powerful podcasts have an episode that I hope you'll go back and if you haven't listened to it yet, that you will listen to it. And then the communication one that I did a couple weeks ago and the connection love and nurture one that we did last week. So those those three podcasts I would highly recommend, if you want to chat about how to communicate with your teen in their love language. Let's book a call up on my website across the top black bar. There's a little green button on the right hand side that says schedule a free discovery call. That's for you. Click that button. Let's chat for a little bit and see how I can help you create more peace in yourself and in your home starting from the inside out. We'll see you next time. Thanks for joining me today.
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